i want to be just like my boyfriend. no for real - hear me out. i admire this man. i really, really do. without putting too much out there - he has been through A LOT - things i know if i went through - id be down and completely out for the rest of my life. but despite it all - he’s still happy. he’s nice to complete strangers, he’s forgiving, he’s understanding, he’s smart, he’s thoughtful and caring, and he’s giving. all of those things i just mentioned - i am not - well im smart but other then that - i am none of those things. i hate talking to people i dont know, i dont forgive, im not too understanding of people and their situations, and im caring but to a VERY select group of people - def not to people i dont know. i WISH i could be like him. i WISH i could get along with people and trust people. i WISH i could understand and get why people do what they do or understand that they arent gonna be who i think they should be. i WISH i could be giving. i dont know why i cant - i wasnt raised to be a selfish brat or to be a bitch. my mom is not like that and thats who basically raised me. so thats why my goal is to be like him or to watch what he does and try and be like him. he’s got such a great spirit to him that i just cant get enough of. dont get me wrong - its highly annoying when he’s nice to people i dont like or when hes nice to females and laughs with them because bitches love a nice guy and might try and steal him away - but i know my man .. he loves me. and i love him. and some people dont have that. but i know we have that. yeah sometimes love isnt enough - but for us - it is. because we fight, we bicker, we yell, we pout, i cry, he hugs me, and we are fine again. he doesnt walk out on me and i dont leave him. and never will. 

mrh; bubbie. your such a great man. it amazes me that you’ve come out this well rounded and this down to earth and have never really been guided to be that way.  i admire how you are and while sometimes i do get mad and i do get frustrated with some of the things you do .. half the time its because i could never be that way. but thats what makes you your nice self and thats what makes me my overprotective mean ass. but i promise, im gonna try to be better : )  i love your face. i love your kiss. i love your touch. i love your nose. i love your tickly ears. i love your fingers. i love your toes. i love your snores. and i love you pores. hhahaha ok just kidding on that one. but for real - never change - no matter how much i yell about who that bitch is or why your talking to that loser (ha) - never change who you are. your perfect. your beautiful. and your amazing. 

Is to be left. To be abandoned. By someone I love. When my father cheated, he cheated on my mom and his kids. There’s not a more worse feeling in the world then to feel like you weren’t good enough to your own parent. Pussy was better then his wife and kids. When my father did that, he abandoned us. Physically but more importantly - mentally and emotionally.

I don’t forgive him for that and I don’t know that I ever will. Because every time my boyfriends away for too long or my moms away too long, I get scared they’ll never come back. And for that horrible and constant feeling, I’ll never be able to forgive him for the cycle he’s burnt into my head.

5. Find a best friend. 

4. Get married.

3. Love my career.

2. Have a healthy family.

1. Be happy.

i dont need to jump out of a plane or meet the president. i need to do the extreme - and thats what my list consists of. in the day and age we are living in, those 5 things seem near impossible. 

stole this from a friend …

Yellow: Someone you will never forget: Uncle Mickey (RIP)
Orange: Someone you consider your true friend: Stink. my best friend and my boyfriend.
Red: Someone that you really love: Mommy .. and Stink.
White: Your twin soul: Amy.
Green: Someone that you will remember for the rest of your life: my father.